Confessions of a bookworm

I love books. Books are the love of my life.

Back when I was in primary school, people always looked at me funny whenever I said that. And when I was all excited because the next day, my mom woud be bringing me to Popular or the library, they lifted my fringe to check for my lobotomy stitches.

"What happened? Why is your mom punishing you??!"

Ah-hem.

So anyway, this Christmas aka 2 days ago, I received one of the best Christmas presents ever

I found this baby lying on my table when I came back home on Christmas Day. Naturally, my mom thought I had flipped when I screamed out in excitement.

I carefully lifted them out of the bubble wrap and gazed at them in wonderment. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that can compare to that feel and excitement of holding new books in your hands. No creases, no bent pages, no dust. In a word - perfect.

Oh yeah. I bought those books online - in order of appearance, The Playbook, Baby Blues 26 Ambushed! In the Family Room and Calvin & Hobbes - It's a Magical World. The whole thing came up to only $50+ and as a Christmas special, all the books are delivered to my house for free. I didn't expect delivery to be so prompt. Within 4 days of my payment and what's more, it came exactly on Christmas Day! It's a Christmas miracle!

I confess - I had been on a bit of an online shopping high recently and these aren't the first books I have purchased. Among all the books I had bought, one of my most treasured purchases is none other than:

Ta-dahhhhhhh!!!

Any fans of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart will appreciate this book as much as I do. And it costs a good $5 or so less than if I were to buy it from any bookshop here.

This book, written by the immensely talented authors behind the Daily Show with Jon Stewart and of course, Jon Stewart himself, is a humour parody satire book, targetting aliens who may stumble upon this book centuries after mankind has been wiped out from this planet. Let me give you all a little sneak peek:

ON THE SOLAR SYSTEM:
Uranus - this is the funniest planet so far, but you will have to spend about ten years learning idiomatic English to learn why

ON WEATHER:
- Snow was tiny hexagonal cyrstals of frozen water. It was said that no two snowflakes were exactly alike, although to be honest, nobody ever took the time to check.

- Fog was a type of low-lying aerial mist. It was the perfect cover for killing prostitutes.

ON EXTINCTION:
Sabre-toothed tiger: sneeze resulted in self-decapitation

ON SKIN COLOUR:
.....After all, pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot.



THE PLAYBOOK

The "DON'T DRINK THAT!"

1) Identify your target and just as she's about to sip her drink, sprint over and shout," Don't drink that! I saw some guy slip something something in there!"

2) When she asks who did it, look around and point to the smallest dude in the room or a bro you want to play a funny prank on

3) Let her reward you for saving her life


The LITTLE ORPHAN BARNEY

1) On Mother's Day or Father's Day, head out to your local bar. Approach a chick and ask if she remembered to call her mother/ father to wish them a happy Mother's/ Father's Day. When she counters and asks if you called your mother/father, suddenly get a faraway look in your eyes and say, "I don't have a mother/ father."

2) Now that she feels like a terrible person, tell her you're an orphan - rare these days, but yes, you were raised without parents. That's why having a family and being an amazing father someday are the most important things in life to you. Oh, and satisfying a woman and junk like that too.

3) After you have sex with her and never call again, cross your fingers that she doesn't wind up with a fatherless child, because that would be cruelly ironic.

*

After I took those books out of their box, I took the liberty of rearranging my bookshelf without my mom giving me grief about it come this Chinese New Year. So now, Earth (The Book), The Playbook and along with all my Calvin & Hobbes and Baby Blues comic books occupy the bookshelf equivalent of a royal throne - right in the middle.

The first books that people will see once they enter my room. A place where, if the light hits in the right places, they will glow. A place where they can stand straight and smirk down at all those other lowly commoners aka books I have outgrown. My Shopaholic series and other chick lit novels, Archie comics, Harry Potter books surround them, like their knights, still fairly visible because they still hold a place in my heart.

Twilight, meanwhile, has gotten the place right at the bottom and nearest the rubbish bin.