Letters I never got around to posting

November 10, 2010

Mdm G. Lee
Title: (Who cares? You still act like a bitch)
ABC Company
DEF Lane Blk U #06-66
Singapore 654321
(Company name & address changed to protect...well, me)

Dear Mdm G. Lee

Subject: You suck to the core

Firstly, congratulations on your recent promotion. I must admit, I never expected that, seeing as what a total bitch you are. That is why I find your promotion such an intriguing mystery. I scratched my head and pondered over it and really can't see any reason that deems you worthy of a promotion.

What? Don't tell me you are baffled already? Come on, you can't be all that clueless...oh wait a minute, I guess you are, judging from the fact that your EQ is probably the same as your shoe size. Alright then *sighs heavily* allow me to list out all the possible reasons I have thought out. This may come as a shock to you so take a seat and be prepared to be enlightened. You might want to put 999 on speed-dial just in case you suffer an ACUTE MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION. Yeah, I purposely put a big word there just to mess with your head but whatever:

1) Your people skills

Or rather, lack of it.

I firmly believe that a true measurement of a person's character can be derived from the way he/ she treats EVERYBODY. Not just their bosses and peers. I'm talking about those in the lower social hierarchy too - that old lady who cleans the bathroom, the Indian worker who clears up all our finished plates in the hawker centre.

And based on what I witnessed for myself, and what I have heard, your people skills pretty much sucked. That's right, I notice and hear a whole lot more things that the idiot who decided you are worthy of a promotion.

I have heard stories about how rude and arrogant you are to the lower-level workers in the office, particularly those aunties working in the production line. The snooty way when you talk to them, the way you just throw ( and I don't mean that metaphorically) work at them to do. Sometimes, the work you gave them is incomplete and THEY ended up being the ones scolded.

But did you ever once stand up and admit that it's partly your fault? Good Heavens, what was I thinking? Of course not, your ass is so much bigger ( I don't mean that metaphorically too) and worth much more than those fifty-plus year-olds', right?

I can relate because you didn't treat me any differently too. The many times when you, too, just threw things on my table for me to do, as though you are some big-shot. And when I inform you of things, you don't bother acknowledging me, hence making me feel like the world's biggest fool as I stand there, waiting for you to reply.

What's up with that, bitch? Come on, do you seriously think I'm just going to continue doing admin stuff for the rest of my life? Please, I'm just waiting to get into university, where I'm likely to come out with a certificate that's worth much more than yours, which is only what, a Diploma? (THANK YOU FACEBOOK) YOU are nearly twice my age and YOU are the one who's stuck doing boring data entry day after day *snigger*. Look who's pigeonholed now?

Be careful whom you treat, bitch. Some day, I just might come back and rub my Masters Degree and $10,000 monthly paycheck in your fat face. Let's see if that will make you grovel (actually, I think you might).

VERDICT: FAILED

2) Your language skills

BWAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!!!!

Oh man, I swear, I am this close to wetting myself with laughter.

Really, the person who decided to hire you into this Customer Service Department really owes me an explanation. I mean, anybody who has heard you liasing with clients on the phone, be it in Mandarin or English, will know that you are proficient in neither. And I'm talking about clients from China, Shanghai, to Europe.

It makes me cringe just to hear you speaking in that jarring Singlish accent. You know, those kind that is pretty much flat and monotonous throughout, like how those old aunties will bargain for fish in the market. And what makes it even more annoying, is that your voice blares out across the office, going on and on in that loud, obnoxious way you have. Several times, I go into spasms which only stop when you put down the phone, hence the reason why I sometimes can't finish my work in time.

For the love of God, please DON'T put on an accent just because you are talking to somebody from China. It's f*#$king annoying and it's not even that prim and proper Beijing slang (which I doubt you can pull off anyway). It's a frigging Hong Kong accent. You know, the way the pitch sort of dips down when you come to the second syllable of the word? The way the Hong Kongers pronounce "Daddy" and "sorry"?

If I were the China guy on the other line, I would laugh my backside off.

I can still remember that time a British guy from the UK office branch came over to our office. When he's getting ready to leave, everybody went over and bade him farewell. And then you stood up, simpering like an idiot, extended your hand and said



"I wish you have a pleasant journey."


You know, if you close your eyes and listen really really hard, you might just hear your English teacher sobbing.

I wish you have a pleasant journey? What is this, a Hallmark card greeting gone wrong? Or did you translate that word-for-word from Chinese? Next time, just a simple "Have a pleasant journey!" or "Take care!" or, if you want to act elegant and refined, (*snort*) "Bon voyage", will do fine.

On second thoughts, maybe it's better if you just keep your mouth shut.

VERDICT: FAILED

3) Your productivity level

YEAH RIGHT.

Guess whose work I have to help with, after my superior said they needed help and we came to a compromise that I should work half-day? And guess who was it who apparently "needs help with her work"?

(For goodness sake, will it KILL you to keep those purchase orders back into the file right after you have taken them out? What's it going to take, 3 seconds to put it back? Or are you afraid that you will just over-exert yourself? Lifting your hand, clicking open the binder, slipping the purchase order in, then clicking it shut again? My, I think I can already see you panting at that mere thought.)

Let's face it. Without me helping you AND doing all your shitwork, clearing up after you, you are as good as gone. I would have long gone if
a) the superior hadn't asked me to stay
b) if I had been hard-hearted enough
c) if I can find a job which allows me to take time off for my driving lessons, which is my first priority as of now

VERDICT: FAILED

4) Your ability to kiss some serious superior ass

BINGO!



P.S. By the way, out of the kindness of my heart, let me dispense a bit of friendly dressing advice to you.

Generally, if you are not slim, slender or svelte, it is highly discouraged that you wear tight-fitting clothes. I don't know which planet you are from, but I can say with some certainty that MOST people here don't enjoy seeing fats bulging out from under the arms and around the waist. It's not exactly appetizing, you know? Particularly after lunch, where my half-digested food will threaten to defy gravity and rise back up my gullet to my mouth.

Oh sure, I know what they say about black making people look slimmer yadda yadda, but a figure-hugging black top just like the one you wore the other day, blew the illusion right out the window. You have no idea how much I have to control my smirk when I see that layers of fats around your waist folding over each other when you walk past my desk (and causing an eclipse on the way).

I don't care if you think that wearing clothes you like, even if they present your body in the MOST unflattering way possible, is a sign of your self-confidence. To me, it's an eyesore, a social faux pas, and proves to me that you are highly delusional. If you don't have it, DON'T flaunt it.

Oh, and that long flowery skirt you love to wear? LOSE IT. I have no idea what it does to your butt, but you look even more like a water barrel in that. God, do you even have a mirror at home?

That's all. May you continue stuffing your face with oily char kway tiao and laksa and mee goreng grains and legumes!


Can't wait to see you fall flat on your face one day

MH

Soon-to-be-ex temp staff (Hallelujah!)