Letters I never got around to posting (2)

November 13, 2010

Ms N. Tan
Title: Er....just one level above mine?
ABC Company
DEF Lane Blk U #06-66
Singapore 654321

(Company name & address changed to protect myself, of course)

Dear Ms N.Tan

Subject: Bugger off and leave me alone

Alright, since you are not as bad as SOME people, someone whose initials start with G and whose surname is Lee, I shall ease off a bit on the mockery. Make no mistakes, you ARE still pretty annoying sometimes.

Particularly how you love to sneak up on me, as though you are some ninja, hoping to catch me doing something "illegal" (in this case, that would be surfing other websites when I'm supposed to be *yawn* entering data).

Come on gimme a break! Do you want me to go nuts if I can't even take the occasional short break without you breathing down my neck? PISS OFF WOMAN.

Well, that was back then, of course. Because months of sitting next to you have wisened me to your little...shall we say, ways? What, you think I wouldn't have figured your daily routine by now? Look, let me list it out for you:

9.05 - 9.10am: You come into the office, put down your bag, organize your desk

9.11am: You go off into the pantry to stuff biscuits down your shirt, which explains why your chest sticks out so much er....refill your bottle (I think)

9.12am: You slip off to the stairway at the back of the office for a smoke. And that usually takes a good 2 or 3 minutes.

So you see, you aren't exactly unpredictable. Once you settle down at your desk, I know I have 5minutes, give or take, to do my last Internet surfing.

Because I know you. You are simply dying to catch me in the act. And you are dangerous too, since you are the only person who doesn't make a sound when you approach. Other people will shuffle or drag their feet when they walk, or their slippers will slap against the soles of their feet when walking around.
But you always weak loafers to work and your slippers are made of rubber, which basically offers no sound and hence no warning, when you sneak walk up to me.

But unfortunately for you, I'm smarter and more alert than you think. I know that once you get up after at least 1hour of sitting at your desk, you are most probably going for a smoke, which gives me around 3minutes of freedom. But if you get up less than 1hour of sitting there, then you are most likely just going to photocopy documents and I would be stupid to go on to other websites.

That's right. I'm onto you, woman.

Just one question, though...are you really that free, to keep checking on me and making sure I don't slack off too much at all? Because you know, there really is no reason for you to spring an ambush on me like that. In the toilet. When I have already told you I have completed all my tasks.

What, is there no such thing as personal time and space anymore? Hey, what I do in the toilet is MY business (no pun intended) so sod off. I can't help it if I have active bowel movements, or if I ate something bad that morning, right?

Furthermore, last I checked, there is NOTHING in the company rules that prohibit frequent trips to the toilet or long periods spent in there. I hardly think you went to the toilet to check whether I have collapsed and bonked my head against the toilet bowl. And anyway, I have finished everything, what do you want me to do, since I can't use the Internet at my own free will? Stare blankly into space? You are just pushing me faster towards the path of Alzheimer's and early dementia.

(Note to self: next time just STAY in the bloody cubicle)

And also, don't you think it's unfair of you to sneak up and ambush me when I'm at my most vulnerable (I had just emerged from the cubicle!) and when I least expected it? You know I can't see around corners. That's an advantage you have over me already. Couldn't you at least given me some fair warning in advance?

(Note to self: STAY IN THE FRIGGING CUBICLE)

I don't see people jumping out on you when you go off to smoke so what gives you the right to do that to me? Hey, if you are allowed to take a break once in awhile, I should be allowed too. I'm being paid peanuts, doing the most BORING work imaginable, and now you want to take away my freedom too? What is this tyranny? Where is my lawyer? I DEMAND MY RIGHTS TOO!

I tell you, the day I get paid based on my market value, I swear I will glue myself to my seat and turn a blind eye to all the blogs and Facebook during office hours.

But until then...dream on.

P.S. I'm warning you, the next time you try to ambush me in the toilet again, don't blame me for tasering or pepper-spraying you in the face. I can always say I did it in self-defense.


Piss off and leave me alone

MH

Soon-to-be ex temp staff (Whoooopieeeeee!!)